broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
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“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.