Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL