broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
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Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
we’re dead?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?