Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
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my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR