Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

This hospital has everything

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination