broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.