@dril

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

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@johnistoasted

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

@KolbyEatWorld

Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.

@mikeleffingwell

When people argue about sports and one says “Care to make it interesting” I assume they’re going to start talking about something else.

@TragicAllyHere

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

@Mom_Overboard

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

@wickedsuga

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

@ClichedOut

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

@_SetTheHook_

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

@rickolantern

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.