I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.
When people argue about sports and one says “Care to make it interesting” I assume they’re going to start talking about something else.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Dear God, thank you for not giving spiders wings.
Welcome to the dark side.
Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.