broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”