[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.