Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Ha.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog