Are we done? Can we go?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
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My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.
Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer
Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.