@Pappiness

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

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@OwensDamien

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

@PFitzpa

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

@punmagnate

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

@kyry5

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

@McGrumpenstein

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

@bazlyons

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

@040204Lawson

It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.

@roostermustache

Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer

Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit

@werehedgehog

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.