BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

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sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty


My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.


Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.


*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*


People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.


the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out


Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.


I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.