sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
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My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.
*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
this came to me in a vision
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science