@MaraWritesStuff

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

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@hxnlxne

sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty

@wittwitbarista

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

@SocialBitterfly

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

@stevevsninjas

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

@SvnSxty

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

@Cpin42

Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.

@2tickytacky

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.