BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?