If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.