Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

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There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.


I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions


[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.


According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.


[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*


Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard


Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that


If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day


[financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116
[me] *slips her $100* let’s make it 112
[her] now it’s 120