Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Happy thanksgiving
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream