Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back