Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.

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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast


Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.


{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*


Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.


Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*

Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?


[Doctor’s Office]

Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live.

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week


During sex it’s perfectly fine to say ‘yeah’, ‘yes’, ‘oh yes’..but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming ‘Yep’ ..


Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.


society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week