@Brianhopecomedy

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.

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@TheHyyyype

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

@Try2StopME

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

@Megatronic13

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

@Michabean

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

@ashleyaustrew

Dating: *prances around in underwear and his t-shirt*

Marriage: *Unzips footed unicorn onesie* Do you think this mole is cancer?

@sock_holliday

[Doctor’s Office]

Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live.

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week

@DrunkkLawyer

During sex it’s perfectly fine to say ‘yeah’, ‘yes’, ‘oh yes’..but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming ‘Yep’ ..

@WilliamAder

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

@ClichedOut

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week