me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
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Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?