Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die
You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link?
Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them
Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.
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Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Now picture me using proper grammar
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.
Loan me a couple bucks?
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
Can I even pay with these?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then