@Brianhopecomedy

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.

You Might Also Like

@thenatewolf

Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die

You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link?

Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them

@MikeDrucker

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

@SirEviscerate

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

@Tmoney68

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

@ddsmidt

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@TheTweetOfGod

Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.

@Brampersandon_

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

@Fred_Delicious

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”