@AnniemuMary

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

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@TheBoydP

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

@joelu72

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

@alexlumaga

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

@heatherlou_

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

@Mom_Overboard

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

@Demented_Jokes

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

@TheCiscoKidder

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.