Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Does beer think about me too?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???