Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Comparing yourself to others
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.