brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
You Might Also Like
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
vegan witches, happy halloween!
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*