Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

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Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.


-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…


You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.


Me: I have a bad feeling about this.
Her: About what?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Name it.


Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.


Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.

Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.

Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?


It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.


I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.