@sweetg35

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

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@simoncholland

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

@Havish_AF

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

@Darlainky

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

@_steamy_mac

Me: I have a bad feeling about this.
Her: About what?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Name it.

@Celestinelea90

Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…

Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.

@TEN_GOP

Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.

Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.

Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?

@WilliamAder

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

@ConanOBrien

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.