Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

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Holding a friend’s phone for her. Just texted “put a ring on it” to five random male names. Stay tuned.


Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.


BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.


So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea


This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.


You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.


Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*


Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.


Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.