Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
You Might Also Like
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
everyone has that one prude friend
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Good Morning.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.