Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: I have a bad feeling about this.
Her: About what?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Name it.
News: Gas shortage
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
What if all the cashiers are married?
Her: You know when you’re craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead…
Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.
Tiger Woods: Nobody could screw up their career the way I did last weekend.
Kathy Griffin: Hold my beer.
Bill Maher: Mind if I join you?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.