bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
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teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable