Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
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*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.