@Holy_Mowgli

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

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@Home_Halfway

“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work

@andylassner

Only your family knows what you’re truly capable of.

Every year my sister-in-law sends out an email to all of us assigning us our Thanksgiving dishes. The turkey, the stuffing, the side dishes, desserts, etc.

Every year I’m assigned “bottled water”.

@seamussaid

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

@ArfMeasures

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

@brentcetera

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

@eslpaul

Me: I need to know if it’s a bit breezy out and I need to know now! and at all the other times, day and night, and I need the neighbours to know too

Wind chimes: we won’t let you down sir

@moxieblogger

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

@novicefather

Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.

@loribuckmajor

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

@Darlainky

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.