“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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Only your family knows what you’re truly capable of.
Every year my sister-in-law sends out an email to all of us assigning us our Thanksgiving dishes. The turkey, the stuffing, the side dishes, desserts, etc.
Every year I’m assigned “bottled water”.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
ME: I’d love to see u again
DATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Me: I need to know if it’s a bit breezy out and I need to know now! and at all the other times, day and night, and I need the neighbours to know too
Wind chimes: we won’t let you down sir
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.