Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal