Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I have many caverns
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?