[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?