[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
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Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*