kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If I ever tried to “cook the books” they’d end up burnt and that’s why I’m not an accountant
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Hey boy, are you an astronaut? Cause you’re invading my space
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”