@Reverend_Scott

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

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@GrantTanaka

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

@BuckyIsotope

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

@unmehlievable

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

@envydatropic

If I ever tried to “cook the books” they’d end up burnt and that’s why I’m not an accountant

@caithuls

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

@KylePlantEmoji

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

@Ygrene

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

@CYComedy

An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”