BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
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[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.