@_elvishpresley_

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

You Might Also Like

@FredTaming

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

@Nickadoo

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

@AngelaEhh

This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.

@EamonToPlease

My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn’t feel like it.

@leshnevsky

– How can you always be such a happy person?
– I never argue with people.
– That’s impossible!
– You’re right! That’s impossible.

@bazecraze

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

@mayainthemoment

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

@JimmerThatisAll

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

@VibesBummer

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.