Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
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Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.