Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

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interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please


Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.


This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.


My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn’t feel like it.


– How can you always be such a happy person?
– I never argue with people.
– That’s impossible!
– You’re right! That’s impossible.


I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.


I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops


Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.


One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”


Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.