@Jim_Capie

Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime.
Alfred: You’re a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen-
Bruce: No I wanna punch people.

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@existential_d

couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship

gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-

me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito

@fro_vo

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

@okaishawty

I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35

@ThisLocalHater

I sleep with a Bible under my pillow in case anyone wants to break in and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior

@Schmoodles

I can never remember if it’s “laying” or “lying.”

Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he’s doing one of them in the middle of the road. 🙁

@robin_991

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

@MrNickJC

Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t have a box of chocolates.

@UncleDuke1969

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

@QueenKillerBee

Tried my hand at this whole ‘cougar’ business but I just don’t like the taste of hikers. It’s possible I read the wrong Wikipedia page.