@Jim_Capie

Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime.
Alfred: You’re a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen-
Bruce: No I wanna punch people.

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@XplodingUnicorn

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

@CAshmanActor

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

@AbbieEvansXO

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

@toastymoe

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

@Dawn_M_

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

@MenHumor

Female Viagra has been around for years It’s called money.

@ChristianaEsme

my little pony implies the existence of a larger, more terrifying my pony