Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime.
Alfred: You’re a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen-
Bruce: No I wanna punch people.

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[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.


[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?


Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no


Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.


It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.


Female Viagra has been around for years It’s called money.


my little pony implies the existence of a larger, more terrifying my pony