Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
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It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
felt that
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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Waiting for the Charmin
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”