Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

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Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out


*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*


Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.


the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk


[first day as flight attendant]


passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod


Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.


I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah