Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
the blood of the innocent will run in the streets? maybe it should get a car or at least use the sidewalk
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
pilot: yes I do
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My purse is deeper than some people.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah