Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.