Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
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He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in