@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

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@MumInBits

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

@mela_shea

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

@NikatNiteNite

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

@mstern68

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

@bartandsoul

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

@3sunzzz

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

@JediGigi

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

@Burtslorp

FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.

@mommajessiec

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

@Donna_McCoy

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.