Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
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Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them