Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

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8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up


Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes


My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.


Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.


Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster


I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.


I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.


FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.


My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.


Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.