Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
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[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.