@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

You Might Also Like

@causticbob

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

@Staggfilms

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

@CrockettForReal

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

@Marlebean

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

@Browtweaten

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@_stylr

Me: Time for sleep.
Brain: Finish this episode.
Me: Ok, but then I’m going to sleep.
Brain: Check Twitter.
Me: Fine, but that’s it. I’m going to sleep now.
Brain: Why didn’t you ever ask out Anna in 9th grade? Imagine how different your life could be.
Me: I’ll make coffee.

@dorsalstream

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

@TheMichaelRock

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.