Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Me: Time for sleep.
Brain: Finish this episode.
Me: Ok, but then I’m going to sleep.
Brain: Check Twitter.
Me: Fine, but that’s it. I’m going to sleep now.
Brain: Why didn’t you ever ask out Anna in 9th grade? Imagine how different your life could be.
Me: I’ll make coffee.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
A: Uh, seahorse
A: Sea cow.
A: Sea idiot!
I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?