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@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
@Sorrowscopes: Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
@kirbys4losers: Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they'll come back to life with a vengeance.
@catstronomical: My blood type is A+ because I'm the best at everything. Even at having blood.
@NYC_Blonde: I'm not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
@TravLeBlanc: "Sensitive" guys who only retweet chicks, you're not fooling anyone.