@Sorrowscopes: Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

@kirbys4losers: Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they'll come back to life with a vengeance.

@catstronomical: My blood type is A+ because I'm the best at everything. Even at having blood.

@NYC_Blonde: I'm not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

@TravLeBlanc: "Sensitive" guys who only retweet chicks, you're not fooling anyone.