I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.
Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉
CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.