@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

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@MrSpoonicorn

yells “PARKOUR” then strokes a dog the wrong way, the camera zooms in on the dogs face, he portrays mild annoyance

@DurtMcHurtt

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

@DrakeGatsby

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

@Parentpains

If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.

@TheGoodGodAbove

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

@FakeWhimsy

No recovering from getting your arm stuck in a Pringles can on a first date.

@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

@Stellacopter

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

@Kids_kubed

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

@internetluke

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?