Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
synchronized noseblowing
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.