Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

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yells “PARKOUR” then strokes a dog the wrong way, the camera zooms in on the dogs face, he portrays mild annoyance


Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?


“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football


If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.


Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.



No recovering from getting your arm stuck in a Pringles can on a first date.


Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*


Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.


Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?


[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?