My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Therapist: don‚Äôt take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I‚Äôll try
The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers
I get confused by Burqas. I accidentally posted a letter in a Muslim woman yesterday.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I‚Äôll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.