Bruh 😭😭😭😭

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My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.


Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all


Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman


me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us


Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try


The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers


I get confused by Burqas. I accidentally posted a letter in a Muslim woman yesterday.


My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.


ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*



I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.