Bruh 😭😭😭😭

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My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.


Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely


Cashier #1: โ€œCan I help you?โ€
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: โ€œAbout 5 minutesโ€
Cashier #2: โ€œAre you Tony Hawk?โ€
Me: yes
Cashier #1: โ€œDo you want a turkey burger then?โ€
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: โ€œCan I get a name?โ€


[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]


Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.


I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.


Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.


The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone


So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.


I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone