@OfficiallyIce

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

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@TheCiscoKidder

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

@tonyhawk

Cashier #1: โ€œCan I help you?โ€
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: โ€œAbout 5 minutesโ€
Cashier #2: โ€œAre you Tony Hawk?โ€
Me: yes
Cashier #1: โ€œDo you want a turkey burger then?โ€
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: โ€œCan I get a name?โ€

@jordan_stratton

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

@briancthayer

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

@blade_funner

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

@tehaveragejoel

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

@SaraThomas84

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

@Sarcasticsapien

So many people are worried that The Walking Dead could happen and I’m over here terrified that Idiocracy is actually happening.

@Moronyc

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone