me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
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At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.