the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
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Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Skills
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.