@_Water_Baby

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

- @_Water_Baby

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@KentWGraham

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

@HockeyGoddess24

Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.

@Mr_Kapowski

Q: When is Santa’s birthday?

A: Since Santa comes once a year and he’s married, Santa’s birthday is December 25th

@ericsshadow

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

@JustDontBugMe

When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.

@behindyourback

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

@Jamberee13

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

@lachlan

Lincoln and Twilight opening the same weekend? Once again, Abe gets killed in a theater, and he’s already fought vampires once this year.

@david8hughes

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”