As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
You Might Also Like
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.
Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Cashier: would you like a receipt?
Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
In a perfect world anyone that said they, “literally died,” would drop dead on the spot.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
This concludes your parenting course.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?