a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend