Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.