Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden