Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame