Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Breaking news:
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
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Expectations vs. Reality
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.