*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
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It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
welp
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
The answer is funnier than the question
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
good work, everybody
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.