Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
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So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
accurate
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Important reminders
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
when there are deer in the woods