BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*


ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

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My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣


The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.


him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.


[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?


I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!


Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?


*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*


[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”