@pattymo

Brutus is my BOY, dude. We’ve been crushing it together for years. Ah word here he comes now. Looks like he got me a new knife, sick

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@skedaddle74

I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.

You’re welcome.

@IvoryGazelle

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

@sonictyrant

Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont

@humanaaron

[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

@stevevsninjas

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

@JeremyPoxon

[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

@earnestaugust

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

@SufficientCharm

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.