I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.
Brutus is my BOY, dude. We’ve been crushing it together for years. Ah word here he comes now. Looks like he got me a new knife, sick
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My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?
Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s
Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont
[tossing a coin into a wishing well]
me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.