The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.