Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.