I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
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Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?