[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
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I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.