@jimmy_sharpe

Bucket list:

1. Don’t die.

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@ojedge

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

@johnfreiler

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

@robin_991

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

@TheGiggzz

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

@juneohara65

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

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@anerdonfire2

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

@prawn_meat

pennywise the clown taps into the deep rooted fear we all have that the clown who lives in our sewer turns out to be murderous

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

@pittdave13

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?