Bucket list:

1. Don’t die.

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My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”


The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.


Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive


young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?


maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins


RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.


If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.


Yeah sex is cool but have you ever lied to an Uber driver about what you do for a living?