@jimmy_sharpe

Bucket list:

1. Don’t die.

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@Swain_Train47

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

@eddiesteadyno

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

@DanMentos

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

@climaxximus

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

@snmrrw

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

@Twisted_Mettle

RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.

@LackOfShame

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

@zachheltzel

Yeah sex is cool but have you ever lied to an Uber driver about what you do for a living?