Bucket list:

1. Don’t die.

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Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you

Me: yes, he was not very friendly


Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*


I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.


*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*


“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.


I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.


Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny.
Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth.
Wife: …
Me: Fine. No more. Period.
Wife: *eyeroll*


How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.


Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.


Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?