Bucket list:

1. Don’t die.

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Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”


if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out


He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.


Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.


I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.




It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.


pennywise the clown taps into the deep rooted fear we all have that the clown who lives in our sewer turns out to be murderous


Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.


First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?