@jimmy_sharpe

Bucket list:

1. Don’t die.

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@LaziestCanine

Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you

Me: yes, he was not very friendly

@mommajessiec

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

@Royal_Stein

I will never tell you what I did for a Klondike bar. That’s between me and the survivors.

@meatlobes

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

@Tmoney68

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

@chelliet22

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

@JWilsonGA

Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny.
Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth.
Wife: …
Me: Fine. No more. Period.
Wife: *eyeroll*

@nowme_datta

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

@lizzhuerta

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

@markydoodoo

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?