7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
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You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Intelligence is the new cleavage
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.